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Wednesday, December 23, 2009

The "O"ne Gets To See Santa

Santa: HO-HO-HO!!! Come here and sit on my knee. Have you been a good... Shit. It's you.

T.O.T.U.S.: Hiya Santy! Lemme tell ya what I want for Kwan- er, Christmas!

Santa: So tell me, have you been a good boy this - wait a minute. Let's forget the canned response here. That 'B-' you gave yourself? That was a stretch. Shoulda bee an "F", for Fuckup. And you said it with a straight face. Okay, get on with it. Whaddya want?

T.O.T.U.S.: I want the healthcare bill passed, I want to get the troops out of bumfuck middle east, I want socialism, I want a new set of drapes for the Oval Office, I want eleventy-trillion more dollars ...

Santa: Huh? A new set of drapes?

T.O.T.U.S.: Yeah. Michelle keeps making dresses out of all the fucking drapes and sofa covers in the White House.

Santa: Ah. True dat. I think I can swing that.

T.O.T.U.S.: And what about the rest?

Santa: You mean the same shit you were promising the American people during your presidential campaign?

T.O.T.U.S.: Yeah. All that shit.

Santa: Well how do you expect me to do all that?

T.O.T.U.S.: Pull it out of your ass? Like I would?

Santa: Let's start with the healthcare. You people are ramming that through against the will of the majority of the population. How can you justify that?

T.O.T.U.S.: Fuck 'em. We know more about running this country than they do. They're a bunch of idiots. They don't understand.

Santa: And the troops?

T.O.T.U.S.: Well, see, that shit sounds good on the campaign trail, but the reality is after you learn what's going on over there, you just can't up and leave. See, that's something else the American people don't understand. Fuck 'em.

Santa: The American people think that if we weren't wasting all that money on a war it could be used for healthcare.

T.O.T.U.S.: Yeah, well they're idiots. How many jobs would be lost if we all of a sudden didn't need all those soldiers and contractors? And besides. It's all Bush's fault.

Santa: Bush's fault?

T.O.T.U.S.: Yes. He started the war to get the oil.

Santa: The oil that causes the "Global Warming™"?

T.O.T.U.S.: Shuddup.

Santa: What about the eleventy-trillion dollars?

T.O.T.U.S.: Taxes baby. There are too many unemployed people who need money, and there are too many employed people who have too much. They need to share their wealth.

Santa: But if you give away all the extra money you say those people don't need and give free money, healthcare and housing to people who don't make money, why should people continue working and pay for people who don't?

T.O.T.U.S.: Shuddup. It's all Bush's fault.

Santa: So then why do you think that the government, who can't seem to run a decent delivery service - keep it from going broke, or veteran's administration healthcare service - keep it from going broke, or a social security system - keep it from going broke, would be good at running a public/socialized healhcare system?

T.O.T.U.S.: Shuddup. It's Bush's fault.

Santa: You know what, you're a liar and a cheat. You're getting a lump of coal in your stocking. That's it!

T.O.T.U.S.: B-b-but the carbon! The pollution! The EPA!

Santa: Next.

T.O.T.U.S.: B-b-but Santa!

Santa: NEXT!

T.O.T.U.S.: Bush's fault I tell you!

Santa: NEEEEEXT!!!